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Tuesday, 02 June 2009

Find me @ eclairee.blogspot.com

love!

Saturday, 02 May 2009

Currently
The Script
By The Script
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i've always thought it was weird that in order to become someone you want to be, you have to give up so much of what you already are. because sometimes, the person you are isn't necessarily bad- but as circumstances change, you have to learn how to evolve and adapt to your surroundings. and the qualities you once possessed begin to fade away, serving as the last vestiges of the person you used to be.

sometimes, that can be a good thing. i am sure we'd all like to believe that the remnants of our childish immaturity have evolved into something more dependable, and that we will one day find that the memories of our youth, albeit fun and exhilarating, contain definite room for improvement. and hopefully, we will all find ways to continue on our paths towards becoming as good of people as possible.

i hate feeling like we can only embody one or two personalities at a time, though. and i hate the we're forced to let go of some things or people that are so important to us because we're trying to find our own way.

ultimately, a lot of the things we do and people we grow close to are "learning experiences." you know the drill, they're the people/things we probably shouldn't be associating ourselves with, but we do anyways because they're new and different. they're the things that show us the dangers of the "other path"; they're the people that, in the end, help us get ourselves "back on track" with our lives.

they're also sometimes the people who wish that we had tried harder to keep them in our lives. and they're also oftentimes the ones that are left swimming, singing our duet on their own.

do we all use each other? in our attempts to continue on an upward path, do we unconscionably push our friends down? and why can't we bring people up with us? why is everything about self-glory?

"Oh I've been going through a hell of a time
Making sense of all that you left behind
When I arrange it into columns and lines
I always think it's adding up, but it never does"

Saturday, 25 April 2009

and here's to another year

"Anyways, I wish I could adequately describe how I feel right now, but there are simply no words. And try as I might to pinpoint my exact emotions right now, I know I won't be able to. Forgive this next reference, but it's as if I get asymptotically close to it, but can never fully be aware of my emotions, or myself. And that is something I'm sure you noticed during the summer we spent together. I could never pull myself together long enough to let you into my life completely."

Usually a really great time of the year for me, this year all I've felt like doing so far is crawling under the covers on my bed and going to sleep. It's not that I'm particularly unhappy or unsatisfied or anything like that. I just wish there was something I could do or say that would make all of these uneasy feelings inside of me go away. I wish I could be proud of myself, or happy with myself, for once.

I don't know what to say.

Friday, 20 March 2009

Currently
The Fountainhead (Centennial Edition Hardcover)
By Ayn Rand
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it's funny how dependent we become on our perceptions of pure, true love. we watch movies and are conditioned to think that the only sort of relationship that is functional is the kind where the guy is perfect and can read our minds and know exactly what we want at any given time. we, as girls, grow up thinking that it's perfectly alright if we stay holed up in ourselves, and if we push everyone away- due to fears of getting hurt, or what not- because in the books and movies, Prince Charming always knocks that wall and those insecurities down. and he is always more than eager to go the extra mile for us.

from any perspective, though, it's easy to see that this kind of love is hardly balanced, and let's face it.. it's unrealistic.

no person, not even the sweetest or most caring or most romantic, would keep pushing so hard for a "love" that seems so one-sided. and i think that's part of the problem. we're more wrapped up in the love that exhilarates us, because that's what's fun, and that's what's different. interesting. and it's the kind of love that we all want to talk about.

but it doesn't last. and eventually, the thrill of "being in love" wears off and settles into more of a comfortable, intimate feeling. one that is more boring, it's true, but sewn with much stronger threads.

i feel like that's where so many of us make mistakes in our quests for love. we're always searching for that rush of adrenaline that crushing on someone gives us, and we don't look closer to see that what we should really ultimately seek is the kind of love we feel for our siblings, or our parents.

and if we find that respectful, comfortable love with a certain person, the butterflies will undoubtedly come with it. but it'll just make it that much easier to get along with our "loves" when the butterflies settle down, you know?

i hope that made sense.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Currently
Lock and Key
By Sarah Dessen
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today was one of those really, really weird, off days.

i used to feel so at home there, because everything just came together there. i don't feel like that anymore, and more often than not, i'm embarrassed for who i am, and for what others think of me. i know i have to stop letting that get in the way of my everything, but i'm not the kind of person who can just forget to think about the impressions i give other people.

anyways, today was just an interesting day because for the first time in a really long time, i felt like i was in middle school again. but the good middle school memories didn't come back; everything i felt was everything i hoped i was completely done with, you know? everything about being upset about "annoying" friends and being jealous of random people and just being bitter in general.

i don't really know what i'm going to do with myself, honestly.

this entire weekend has been kind of weird, too, in that i did things that i don't ordinarily do. amy and i went to the beach on sunday for a party, and i felt kind of bad because she had an awful time, but i just love spending time with her in general because she's just so straight up and incredible.

maki also left this weekend, and it's interesting because even though i don't usually feel the need to talk to him, it's weird that his screenname has a constant cell phone icon next to it on my buddylist, because i'm just so used to being able to IM him with random stuff. this might sound weird because i've gone longer than 4 days without seeing him /talking to him before, but i just feel so much more removed all of a sudden. cause i dunno, sometimes (like, for instance, now) there are things i need to tell him that need some resolution, some resolution that doesn't come because i'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone else about it.

i also finished gilmore girls, which was one of the sadder moments of the weekend. there are no more episodes for me to watch, no more stars hollow. Rory started off as a sophomore!! graduated from college! and it went by so fast!

..granted, it was a tv show, and 22 hours of television equated to one entire year of gilmore life. but still. each year ends up passing by in what feels like 22 hours, you know?